how sad is it when you spill your guts on the paper

i feel traumatised after the last two epsiodes of the hollyoaks omnibus today.
i dont know what to do with myself.
i feel like i need a week off work just to recover.
ive missed it all since being back to uni... and to happen to catch such traumatising episodes as this?
absurd.
however i dont think the faculty of social science and business in plymouth university will accept this as a feasable excuse for not completing my coursework.
why?
people should learn to me be more open minded and accepting. you know?

hailofsparks__
two underscores.
add if you want. its a friends only one innit.
safe
=P

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mahahaha. im there.
well as it stands.
ill think about complexities of getting there and back another time =P
obviously ill drive, but my friends in swansea; and im not going back to swansea just to pick her up.
i bet shell pull out anyway. she always does.. bleh.

http://www.apple.com/trailers/paramount/spongebobsquarepantsmovie/tlr_large.html
if id have found this much sooner...
i think id have died out of anticipation/excitement/pants pissage.
eeeeep only another couple of weeks or so <3

&its actually beyond me how a person CANNOT like glassjaw.
that is all.

this isnt even pissing-my-pants exciting....


ITS FUCKING CREAMING MY PANTS EXCITING!
*dies*

i came across this.. from like a year ago...
it actually depresses me...
I NEED A GYM =(
& black hair

yesterday wa s abit random. i bumped into geography alex by the cashpoints in uni... she was on her way to town with her flatmates, but then i told her to come up and so she did... and i dyed her hair and we got pierced. yeah baby. WHAT CAN I PIERCE NEXT?
its getting a bit awkward now, cos i cant do my nose cos it would look odd with the two on my lip etc etc. bleh.
but we went to burger king WHERE THEY HAVE WELL COOL SPONGEBOB TOYS TO COLLECT. everyone should have one.
it was quite random, cos shes never in lectures& we only see her out usually. but lucy went out with her when i wasnt here, and her friend had a gathering at the flat before we were goin gout so we went &stuff. but it was good. she says she doesnt find me scary =P
i like going out with alex and her people. i feel more welcome than with jennys friends. bah.
i slept on her floor. SHE LIVES UP 7 FLIGHTS OF STAIRS. there was no way i was going to walk back. apparently i fell asleep on her flatmates bed& through 4 spliffs.
i was also sprawled across some guy called 'jimbob'.

&i just saw mcfly on telly. im happy. <3
random>>oh &i find hot men in black shirts and red ties hugely attractive.

so yeah. last night i texted kai drunk. the last thing i said was 'the milkybars are on me' i have no idea where it came from. needless to say he never texted back.
i texted james. damn me. but i told him he was a rastafarian. that told him didnt it. go me.
i was shouting 'ya man' like a rastafarian &apparently we were telling randoms that they were rastafarians. in said accent, on the plymouth streets. it didnt help that alex was shouting 'YOLANDE' and 'PATRICK' which no doubt encouraged me.

i should stop drinking alcohol. really.

I'm going to update properly about TBS once ive got some pictures on my computer.
but it was so much fun. im glad i went even if it did mean going all the way back to swansea for the night. bah.

i HAVE been productive today. i sent nia a letter and a parcel.
i have been to one lecture this week.
this morning i woke up fully clothed on my bed, with my light on.
i was confused for a minute... but then i remembered.
i passed out in the middle of a text marathon with james. ironically my last text [sent items please. i would never have remembered if it wasnt for this part of my phone]
went something along the lines of 'whatever, im bored of you using me. id rather pass out alone' and then it would seem i did. i woke up to 3 texts. yes 3. 2 off him. one was a reply, and the other was him saying 'yeah pretend to be asleep, or ignore me'
I DID FUCKIN FALL ASLEEP. fool.
he tried to 'casually' tell me to go over there. it was 'my call' but he wouldnt shut up about it.
i do feel he uses me. and i dont care really, im just a bit bored.
i know i dont fancy him, cos i saw him with some other girl last night, and i actually dont care. but i dont appreciate him texting me afterwards and telling me to go round there/coming up here.
&whats the point anyway? cos there isnt one.
im not sure whether to etxt him back or not, if i leave it like this. i feel like im fully in control for once. &i like that feeling. however i want to clarify a few things, when i said he used me, he said i use him just as much when i text him drunk. are men thick? i wasnt referring to the texting. duuur.
any suggestions on whether to bother will be appreciated =P


oh& last night i downed a vodka and shark[cheapass version of red bull] which wasnt good. i stood there thinking, im gonna be sick, but i never puke without ramming my fingers down my throat. i only have one memory of doing it. so i thought the feeling would pass. it didnt & i didnt make it to the toilets, i spewed in my hands/in the corridor. much to my delight.
i proudly told some trendies who were walking in to the toilets dodging it amongst comments of 'watch the sick' 'ewww thats disgusting'
'thats my sick, that is'. to which they give me a filthy look. not surprising really. i look a state. all the time.
i actually reeked of sick. luckily some girl at the bar whipped out some perfume... i was like =o
me: can i have some? i smell of sick...
random: yeaaaah .. knock yourself out.
*knocks self out*
=P

i actually forgot to mention that there was a mouse in the flat.
to begin with peeping alex didnt believe me when i said it ran to the kitchen,

later on i was off to meet jenny; and i saw it in the hallway i was like 'AAAALLLLLEEEEEX'
they both came out and we watched it. i thought it was dead cos it wouldnt move, other alex even took a picture and it didnt flinch. i was like RIGHT! ill sort this out.
i banged the wall and it ran to manuels room. we were like o_____O
manuel hadnt been back this term. they blocked it in his room, until yesterday when he said he was xoming back, so they put biscuit to try and trap it. this didnt work.
so. me and lucy stayed awake till like 2am so we could watch manuel disover the mouse. because we were amused by it.
it was like 2am and we were like OMG cant stay awake anymore... and then manuel opened the door.. we were like omg we want to watch!
we walked in.
couldnt find it anywhere.
alex turned up, we were cackling for ages.... could this be the beginning of some form of bonding with manuel??? ... doubt it somehow.....
amy told us to shut up... spoiling our fun.
he lifted up his mattress, and there it was, in the corner. not moving. after much debate about what to do and prodding it with paper to see if it would move i deicded id have to too scoop it in the box, cos noone else was man enough.
i have a 6ft american footballer in my flat &he was bricking it, i cant believe how wimpy men can be.
in the end amy had to scoop it in cos it was actually turning my stomach. she came in and TOTALLY changed the ambience, crying and saying she called her ex and he was fucking someone else. it was a totally inconvenient time to tell us this because we were all wanting to laugh at the mouse.
i have however illustrated me&manuel&alex&lucy gawping at it trying to decide what to do

i feel sick for some reason.
john texted me at like 11pm on friday saying he was in plymouth train station with an hour to kill so i legged it from the union... and SLIPPED IN MUD in front of half the uni queuing to get in.. but i was drunk and didnt care cos i wanted to see john. legged it to the train station, dragged him and jay to a pub for a drink and we decided i was to go back to dartington! so yes.
it was so random. i love random. and being random.
dartingtons in the sticks; we had to walk aboiut 30 mins from the station to his halls in woods and shit, i dont remember much though, apart from random conversation.
i actualy ended up staying in jays room. oops?

last night i went out with jenny and her friends; i shouldnt have gone really, i dont like them all; but i thought id try.
they kept talking about 'OMG how cool will it be next year when we're all living together' and i was like 'pffft'
looks like ill be back in discovery heights next year. not a house. which means no car. AAAARGH. i should have applied for america probably. too late i guess.
i came back like before midnight, cos they decided to go tothis well trendy club. i was like whatever. i came back cried hysterically to other alex, i just remember saying stuff like i want to go home, i dont want to bve here... i want my friends.
quelle embarassment!
have yet to see him today. its gonna be like 'sorrryyyy'
i remember him sitting on my bed, and me bawling into the floor/the end of my bed. OMG. i wish i wasnt such a twat.
and i was telling kai on msn that i was crying/missed him etc. dear god.
i still have the conversation window up. this isnt necessarily a good thing.
no alcohol for smee for a while =S

i was actually stupidly drunk last night.
i was also being more random than usual. i dont really remember much. but i know i was telling ceri i loved ehr in the toilets; and that i liked seeing her around cos it was nice to see someone from back home. although shes put up with lots of drunkness from me so its actually nothing new.
amy and lucy took a picture of me getting off with phil... apparently o___O i also hear we were kissing for ages. i actually have no recollection.
also i stupidly kissed simon briefly, and everyone was cheering. jenny said it was the funniest thing in a long time... NOT FOR ME IT WASNT' i also seem to remember this. i hate the way my memory chooses to remember the bad/embarassing things.

the results of our maths and stats were up on the noticeboard, so we went to look. lucy &jenny had 75%. but theyd put it in student numbers, not as our names and i couldnt remember my number at all. i found a sheet with our numbers on so i tried to find my results and THEY WERENT THERE. and they should have been there because lucys and jennys were there.
me:OMG i must have made up a totally RANDOM number!!
jenny actually cried with laughter, it was really funny. but really not
and she was like 'oh it must be similar mark cos we copied each other'
although i stupoidly didnt copy all of them, cos i didnt want to be the same, which was silly cos THEY WERE FUCKING RIGHT!! =P
i watched stand by me. such a good film. it was well cheap too.

amy insisted on coming into the kitchen today purely tro tell me she pulled the drummer from no comply. hummm...
&i got back last night and announced to lucy i was gonna sleep on her floor. but instead i climbed into her bed and when i woke up she was on the floor ...mahahaha. oops?
omg im so weak. so much for giving my liver a rest. peeping alex&alex&me&lucy are to the union in a bit. we're leaving at 8.31.

so last night we went to the usual club on a wednesday.
started off in some pub that had karaoke, which amused me copious amounts.
i couldnt take the alcohol last night, i kept wanting to chuck. i stopped myself though cos i didnt want to lose the drunkness again =P
it was lots of fun, packed though. and james was with the lebian in a skirt again.
what.is.going.on? she actually looks like a boy. which makes me think OMG do I look like a boy???? o_____O
im actually not letting him in again.
&ive said this so many times but i actually mean it. honest.
we ended up in jennys flat with me&lucy&jenny all sleepin on jennys bed. dont know how we managed it. but we did. again i had to do the walk of shame home. i feel so dirty, and this time lucy was with me; so i dont know why, but then i think WHAT IF THEY THINK WEVE HAD A THREESOME!!!!
all i can say is this; lucky i dont dress up when i go out, or it would be horrendously obvious.
im a hobo 24/7.

oh and this is what i graffitid the walls with in the toilets in C103 last night =D
although now i have a STUMP for an eyeliner pencil. bah.

..so i let him in AGAIN last night.
why. i still do not know.
he left at like 7.30am cos he had to get a lift into college or something...
great.. make me feel like you use me more than i already do. bah.

i have tomorrow free of lectures. i love it. <3
off to good old pound a pint again tonight. yay-a.
( abc )

i finally got my dirty paws on the new jimmy eat world album. ive actually heard NOTHING from it; but i have faith.
i bought like 3DVDs earlier and 2 CD's; but thats okay cos i had hmv vouchers, and the £23 in virgin doesnt count cos i had £15 back from the office cos the christmas dinner was cancelled. THIS DOES MAKE SENSE.
still waiting for pay =( my loans come through so im no longer overdrawn... till they take my accommadation money off me and my dad takes the rest =(

went out last night. we drank here first... home made snakebite MINGS =/
jenny spewed when we got back to her flat and omg i TOTALLY cleaned up her sick. im so nice. =P it reeked of southern comfort; its debatable whether ill be drinking this again :|
its good to be back.

lucy&jenny &others went out tonight. i decided not to, it was loads of people jenny knows; and i dont feel all that comfortable around them, they arent my friends, and theyve all known each other from the start and i dont think ive emt half of them. im not good at meeting new people and them liking me. not with them anyway. theyre nothing like me.
i watched pulp fiction with alex&alex instead. which was SO LONG. but i was determined to watch it cos ive wanted to for so long.
im going to miss going out and going to 24hr tesco for sandwiches =( even if i was wrongly accused of theivcery last time. stupid gimps. if that silly bint was watching me on the self service checkout instead of chatting up the bouncer ALL THE SHAME WOULD HAVE BEEN AVOIDED. not that i remember much. bastards. id enver steal from tesco. its my sanctuary.
and OMG check out my pointy hood <3 i love it.

i miust stop being so loud. and WELSH. som guy in the pub last night heard me talk, stood up and was like 'WHERES THE WELSH PERSON' ..
me: *duck*
me: YEAH where IS the welsh person?> KILL EM,.. KILL EM ALL... [/hard]

i want to update so much but im never at a computer cos my mums ones cocked up. bah.
ive been working/driving/friending/drinking. the usual.
ive had so much fun with all my friends... i drove to cardiff thursday with gwyneth and nia... i laughed so much in pizza hut i wasnt hungry anymore.
im going to miss them all so much. im missing them already.
i feel torn between two places... jenny was at lucys for NYE cos they live close and lucy had a houseparty; i felt left out somewhat, but i had so much fun in swansea.
i went back to my old ways; kissing about 4 different people. well 3 i think. and talking rubbish cos i knew loads of people there.

we saw a santa drive past in a taxi... COULD IT HAVE BEEN SANTA FROM MAY? we'll never know.

me and nia got wankered alone in my house cos im the only one there; which was fun; except we made kai come over in a taxi and i actually remember nothing after he got there cos i drank so much. this is not good im sure.
kate was out wednesday; which provided much entertainment for gwyneth and me and nia.
my relationship with anna seems to have disintegrated, which is sad, but right now im annoyed with her, i feel like im just there when she wants a free lift somewhere.
i have to stop being walked over when it comes to lifts. i dont feel i can ask for money; even though im no less overdrawn cos my pays been cocked up and i dont know when ill get it. =/
GAH.
this entry is really boring so im going to shut up.
oh. apart from i actually walked in on a dead patient today. the worst bit being i stood there staring for a while cos i couldnt decide if he looked well enough for me to shout 'CUP OF TEA?'
oh and that phrase is getting on my tits. as well as the 'do you want sugar?' afterwards. I HAVE TO BE TOLD I DONT JUST KNOW HOW YOU LIKE YOUR TEA.
how did i do it all summer? =/

( 2004 )

i havent listened to ffaf in too long.
in a haste, i might have left my CD in plymouth; there would have been a time that if I'd done this I would have been suicidal [this may be an exaggeration] but i might have thrown it in thinking I CANT LEAVE IT BEHIND even though i knew i wouldnt listen to it. its on my dads computer anyway. so everything is a-ok.

christmas eve led to me ending up in gwyneths and bawling, then after an hour of calming down, going to my dads, crying more; and then going home, crying a bit more, and finally stopping at about 10ish.
i think i needed it out of the system cos today wasnt so bad then. well it was boring; but i didnt feel upset all day. last night i just wanted to sleep through christmas, then afetr about 4 hours of crying, things didnt seem so bleak.
i tried updating but this bastard computer restarted. i was not amused.
ue to lack of computerage at home i feel like im falling behind on updates ... i dont have tiiime. not that i have a lot to look through im sure.

[scrooge] ive had about a billion 'merry christmas' texts. which i know most were sent to the whole phonebook, but i felt obliged to reply to most; which was annoying. [/scrooge]
however; mcfly were on. and i love dougie too much.
BUT HES GETTING PRETTIER.

true to form my mums been drinking all day and passed out in every house shes been at [all two of them] and slept through something she really wanted to see, this year: the vicar of dibley.
which i loved too much.
( mrs-smee-drunk )
i think she might kill me tomorrow.

got rid of more pictures off my phone to the computer, which makes me feel this is appropriate.
this picture has oh-so-much-irony, considering i spewed it all up and more, the night i was the-first-person-ever-to-spew-in-our-kitchen-sink ; which some fool washed up in when i hadnt properly cleaned it. maha.
( smee )